I knew this would happen. I knew I’d start this writing and creating and the doubt and the questions would settle in, as they do.
Why am I doing this? Who cares? No one will read this. You’ll probably stop a week or two into this.
All things going through my mind. I think the most pressing thought though is the in-law thought. It’s a thought that has made its presence known over the past 6 months.
You are the daughter-in-law. You do not have as much to grieve, and therefore you do not have a right to breakdown, to be sad, to write.
This thought comes and goes, and wreaks havoc on the grieving process. Breaking down in private, holding it in at times where I just wanted to let it all go. All because there are times this thought creeps in and tells me if my husband isn’t breaking down, if he’s not having a tough grief day, then I shouldn’t.
My husband and I share everything with each other, and I’ve shared this thought with him multiple times, sometimes apologizing for being sad when he’s having a good day. Keeping true to his amazing self he has reiterated over and over again that losing his dad is as much my loss as it is his. No, I don’t have his DNA. No, he didn’t raise me, not fully anyway. But I knew the man for 13 years (sidebar – my husband and I are high school sweethearts). From ages 15 to 28. From high school to college to marriage to career to baby. Those were some rather formative years and he played a huge role in all of those events.
Words do not exist that would be sufficient in expressing how deeply good this man was and how much he positively affected not just my life, but every single life he encountered. I can’t even try.
With that being said, the fact that my husband – who rather suddenly lost this great man, his father, his best friend – would not only let me grieve with him as his spouse but would also let me share in his grief as if this man were my own father is just such a picture of love and coming together as one in marriage.
So why on God’s green earth can I not move past the thought that I shouldn’t be writing this blog, that if my husband and his sister aren’t doing something like this to express their grief then why should I?
It’s probably natural to have thoughts like these, especially for a self doubting person such as myself. But why do they continue? I think I know…and the answer is tough.
Because I let myself continue to go there. I let myself continue to open the door to these thoughts and these doubts and inevitably I end up limiting my own self.
I need to and I must transition from these doubting thoughts to the thought of how much more could the Lord use my grief, my writing for His glory if I let go of my own limitations? If I let go of the doubt I let myself believe.
No, I cannot limit the Lord and His work, but I can limit myself from experiencing His work and that is not what He intends for me, for us.
What could He do in my life, in others’ lives, if I strive to find good news every day and share it with others in person and on this platform? I don’t know, but I want to experience His work and His love and therefore I’m going to keep on writing despite the doubts. I want to and I have to believe that as I continue to move forward with writing the doubts will in turn move backward.
My good news for today:
A 70 degree day in February.
Playing outside with my toddler in the beautiful weather.
Unexpected dinner with my husband before his gig.
The ability to do laundry and have clean clothes.
What is your good news?